Just when you think you e blown it, the Universe has a funny way of letting you know everything is going to be ok. Wow, did the Universe ever decide to hit that home for me today.
This morning was not my best. I woke up feeling good but my youngest daughter sure didn’s and that when things seemed to go downhill fast. First, she started crying because she didn’s want to get up and dressed. Then she didn’s like the socks she was wearing and pulled them off. Then she was mad that I put a shirt on her because she all of a sudden decided wanted to do it myself! /p>
Finally I got her and her sister to the breakfast table. And all seemed to be ok for awhile until my dear girl then noticed that there was yogurt on her hand and that this would somehow cause the end of civilization as we know it. I got her cleaned up and we were off to brush teeth. She then complained there was something yucky in her mouth and of course it must have come from her toothbrush so she refused to clean her teeth. I just let that go instead of fighting her some more. We eventually made it to the door to put on coats and boots. As I was trying to put on her coat, she started screaming she needed a Kleenex. I told her I’ get her one in a minute after I zipped up her coat, but apparently this was the wrong answer because more tears and screams of injustice poured from her little body. I managed to get the Kleenex, get my keys, get my coat, and get us all out the door. Finally, we were in the car and I was backing out of the driveway. Whew!
Just then she began screaming she wanted to take her puppy (stuffed animal) with her. I admit I must have had a lose wire exposed or I short-circuited or something, because this is the point where I lost it. I don’s know what came over me, but it was like a monster entered my body and let loose. If you have ever read anything by Eckhart Tolle, he would say my pain-body needed to feed. And let me tell you, it was voracious. Like a raving maniac, I began yelling at my daughter that she didn’s deserve to take her puppy to daycare. That if she wanted to yell and scream at me, then I would yell and scream at her. And then I said, you’e not getting your puppy asking like that with your whiny, demanding voice, because I don’s respond to that kind of talk (all evidence to the contrary). Hardly my proudest parenting moment.
Then, a shaky little voice says, Mommy can I please get my puppy to bring to daycare. /h2>
I put the car in park, went into the house, and got her puppy. I stood for a few moments at the door thinking to myself, ho am I? Here I am supposed to be this calm, enlightened, with-it person and I am so not in this moment. Tears came to my eyes as I realized how awful and out-of-control I was. I said a quick prayer asking for help and forgiveness and got back in the car.
There was dead silence on the drive to the daycare. When we arrived, before getting out of the car I turned around and spoke to both of my girls. I said, am sorry for yelling. It not very much fun when mom yells, huh? They both nodded. e all just had a bad start to the day. I sorry and I love you. They smiled. We got out of the car holding hands and I gave them each a big hug and kiss before heading on my way to work.
When I got back into the car, I felt tears on their way. I felt like no matter what I have done to better myself, that there obviously was some rage inside of me and how awful that made me as a person. Who am I kidding? I am a bad mom who has probably scarred her children for life. And I obviously don’t deserve anything good to come my way. Somewhere deep down, I knew there must be a lesson in all of this. Please, I asked, show me that I am moving forward, getting better, and that I am not really a hungry monster in disguise.
I made it into work. First I decided to listen to voice mail. There was a message from my best friend who said she read my blog last night and loved it. She said it made her laugh out loud and I had a real gift and talent and to keep it up. That was sure nice to hear.
Then I looked at email. I had just subscribed to Oprah quote of the day and there my first quote was waiting for me to read in my Inbox. It said, he more we learn about the light within us, the easier it ultimately becomes to forgive ourselves for the fact that we’re not perfect yet. If we were perfect, we wouldn’t have been born. It’s our mission to become perfect, however, and looking at where we’re not is an important part of the process. (Excerpted from A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of A Course in Miracles ) Well isn’s that timely. Here I had been berating myself for not being perfect, only to find out that it is best to forgive ourselves for this fact. Nobody perfect, and it is in our imperfection that we learn and grow.
Then my boss sent me a funny e-card that made me laugh. This was unexpected. It not like he does this often, so it was a welcome surprise.
Then the staff gathered to give our boss his Christmas gift, but before they did, they surprised me with a gift for all the support I had shown them that year. I was really taken aback. It made me feel very loved and special.
All this before 9:30am. You see, if you truly ask the Universe with an open heart for something – in this case to show me I actually am making a difference – it will respond and fast. It always does. We just need to pay attention to the clues.
Thank you Universe. Thank you for the moments of imperfection. And a special thank you for the moments of validation. I not perfect yet, but I getting better. I am grateful for you showing me so. And next time that pain-body monster wants to feed, may I please be able to say, orry, this kitchen closed! /p>